The end of the 12 days of Christmas

I really enjoyed the 12 Days of Christmas postings. 

joined Smashion

Just joined Smashion, it seems intriguing. It is supposed to be a free sales and purchase site. Better then Ebay. Well I am going to give it a go. I am all signed up and updated my Paypal from when I did sell an item on ebay and now all I have to do is gather and photo the stuff I want to sell.

<a href="http://www.smashion.com/Signup?r=mommy6"><img src="http://www.smashion.com/images/badge/smashionista_hello_02.png"></a>

looking forward to new project

The hubby and I and hopefully a couple of the kids will be going to the Santa con in NYC on December 11. I am so looking forward to this silliness. My husband does not to be the stereotypical Santa, no he wants to be a more 5th Ave fashionable Santa. So I got a red/black taffeta that I would like to make into a suit for him including a top hat. I found a tutorial for the top hat on Threadbanger. It is a great tutorial and it is on youtube as well, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zKcbk6xnSz4. It looks easy enough, famous last words. So that is my goal. I had started making a couple of pair of pants but they are not working out like I had hoped. So I took a pair of pants that I like the fit of but do not like the print of anymore apart placed them against the pattern and have adjusted, I just need to finish them and see if they fit. I hope so. I really need to start on Hubby's 5th Ave Santa suit. I am not sure what kind of dress I would like to wear. I was thinking about a 50's style sheath dress and have a fluffy shear overskirt with a white edge. But I better start on the suit first.

being sick sucks

I had an ok day, which was beautiful I might add. But as the day went on I didn't feel so good till every part of my body started to hurt by the time I picked up my husband I thought I was going to throw up and could barely drive. I now have a 100.9 degrees. I am a big baby.

Today was starting out well, I got 12 of my match boxes completed. YEAH!! That feels so good. Unfortunately I really feel like I sabotage myself but I guess I can't count getting sick. I am actually going to post pictures.

Well this is it for now. Am going to become mindless on Face Book.
Night all.

another day

Tomorrow I work. Yeah! I have to be there at 6:30 am.
I am also working on making matchbox shadow boxes. This is for the Swap for All Seasons. I am liking this. I am using rubber stamps and water coloring the images. I then cut them out and leave tabs on the bottoms of the images so I can give the images dimension. I like that I am getting creative again. The stamps I am using are very tiny. The biggest is the height of the matchbox otherwise they are small enough to put several in the box and stagger them so they have dimension. I have about 18 ready to glue together but I really want to paint the boxes and tops with white spray paint to give the boxes a finished look. I posted some of the box pics on face book. I really have to get them in the mail by Wednesday. I went back to the blog and she said that she is waiting on 54 more sets, mine being one of them. I can't wait to get mine in the mail.
I have not been sewing again witch is frustrating. I still have not even finished cutting out E's teal dress from the Burda Patterns. I also need to make some casual clothes that I can wear for work. I want to look nice and still be warm when the weather changes. I am really not a sweat pant kind of person. It sucks a little bit because I have skirts galore that I like. I also need to make some tops as well button up shirts aren't going to completely cut it. I want something more comfy and cute. The other sucky part of dress for work is that no heels are allowed. You know it is dangerous to drive in heels. :op
Well I am going to once again to be more diligent in blogging and also to be more positive. I love reading all the blogs that are around and the reason I am reading the ones that I am is because they are sharing the things that they love and are positive about what they are doing. So that is what I need to do. I do not want to take any more pills, I don't feel that they are truly making a difference in how I am feeling right now. I am done with them. I also don't want to pay the 60 bucks for them. I feel that it is more important to make sure my kids get what they need more. Speaking of witch, Z is back at school and he is selling Cutco knives for some extra cash. Not sure if that is going to go to well but he is trying and he has a plan that would coincide with his degree.
R is doing ok as well but I just never know really what is going on. She is staying at the college and is becoming active in different types of exercise.
E is doing ok but again I don't trust how I think because I didn't see what was happening the first time.
The older E is doing ok as well. C is the most adorable little baby in the world, not that I am biased or anything. He has a contagious laugh that just melts a heart. So glad I get to enjoy him.
Well that is enough for me right now. I am going to actually download the pics from the cam and possibly even post them!
Have a good night rest all.

Deep sadness getting better

Well, the depression is getting better again. I hate roller coasters so having a roller coaster for emotions really suck. I finally got started cutting my daughter's dress but could not stay focused to save my life. I am getting excited though to see the dress started. I definitely cut the dress too small so I will have to see what happens. The challenge will be how to put it together with skinny seams and still have it stay together. I am going to work on it tomorrow. This is the year of disappointments though. I lost my mind in January and by February it was gone. More pills and then I start to feel better and my family visits and I get worn out and then have to rest from that. Then my Mom's 80th b'day I wanted to go and visit her and of course with me out of work that was completely blown. Now my sister is in the hospital and not sure when she will get out. Worse yet every time I go out and am with people I get so tired. I went for some training for the job I hope I will get and then slept for 2 hours. My Z is sick and he is far away and we have no insurance so we can't even go to a specialist to make sure he gets the best care. It took us over a week to get my pills and we still have to get Z's stuff and get it to him. About the pills I now have to get them back into my system. This sucks beyond sucks. I am tired and so unfocused. E is doing well, I just hope that I am not kidding myself and he is hiding what he is really doing from me and I am so tired that I wouldn't be able to notice.

I still have so many pictures I would like to take of the clothes that I have finished just so I can see that I have accomplished some things. I really am pleased with the infamous yellow dress. I love the denim dress that is kind of done. I beaded it and appliqued it and the thread that I used to put the applique on with was too heavy and it cut my leg. The dress form still has the beginnings of the romper I was trying to make but now the weather is getting so chilly it might not get finished. Oh and my daughter brought over about a dozen dresses for me to alter for her.

I got the match boxes for the swap now I just have to design what I want in them. I was hoping to create some kind of mouse design. You know, not a creature was stirring not even a mouse. I think that would be fun. I also need to get my act together to do the baby shower gift. I am hoping to make one of those fluffy ruffle dresses and a head band with a flower on it.

Well, I am going to focus on the end of Project Runway.  Night.

Deep sadness

I am here in bed still at 4:12 in the afternoon. I can't move. There are so many things that I want to do. There are so many UFO's that I have looming over my head. I have dreamed of being home to be able to do the things I have enjoyed so much. So what do I do, I sit here paralyzed and do nothing. I have the bracelet waiting to be finished, my daughters dress, and dresses that I have dreamed of making. They are all waiting patiently for me, at least I hope so. I know I am holding myself back. It is just me doing this. There is no one holding me down, there is no one keeping me back from those things which give me joy. Yet when I think of them I feel ill and my stomach knots up. I am back to crying uncontrollably. It was our anniversary and I wanted to make a simple dinner but I panicked at the idea of cooking. I don't want to grocery shop or cook at all. I love to cook and bake and be creative. I shook at the thought of just making something nice for my husband. I ruined our anniversary. He was so sweet and understanding as usual. The sorrow in side is so strong. Please, I just want strength and I keep feeling like I am starting over again. Just when I start to feel normal and functioning something seems to happen and all the old feeling come rushing in and overwhelm me. I wish I could do what the one blag said that to let go of everything is to forgive.

Exciting times

I received my email about the a swap for all seasons and saw the pics of some of the matchboxes and what was inside. Amazing. I hope I can maintain the quality of work. I am thinking of mice for the swap. Little gray mice, one for each day. They will have to be tiny and I have to see what is in my stash as money has become extremely tight.

Good news is that the job for driving a bus is coming closer to fruition. Excited and scared at the same time. What if I forget something or someplace. I am just so nervous. Today was a refresher of the pre-trip walk around, which is extremely important. The next time we meet I might be able to get some refresher time behind the wheel.

Oh and to continue on the teenager thing, I did have a mild win. I stood my ground about going to the place where he hangs out to "work on his essay, for some more inspiration". Yeah right. So he got it but he says that the whole experience of staying out late and ignoring the frantic phone calls and texts was so worth it. That worries me because there will undoubtedly be many more of the times in the future. Will he be able to make good choices, you know what I want him to choose. Well, that is it for now considering that I am using the wi fi at the Starbucks so I can weed through the 500 emails that have now accumulated. The reason for not having internet is a whole other time to talk about.
Good night all

Teenagers

Teenagers are so interesting. I am on my last one and it is like I never had any before him. He is number 6 after all and it should be a piece of cake by now right? Wrong! Everyone of them is different and different for different reasons. A lot of differences huh? I believe that all teenagers are just like 2-3 year olds and are doing the exact same thing they did then. Test the boundaries as far as it will take them with one exception, I could always pick up a 2-3 year old and put him where I want him. When they are a bit bigger it is a lot more difficult, you know the whole size proportion thing, he is much bigger then I am. Well the big 2 year old is whining that he is done and needs to move on. I thought I had ADD, I guess that is where he gets it from. Hopefully will be able to post again later. BTW, I finished the pink eyelet shirt with a big satin ribbon and successfully wore it yesterday. I am pleased the way it came out. I will have to learn to use the timer on my camera so I can at least post pictures. Bye for now.

SILHOUETTE MACHINE GUEST GIVEAWAY!!!!

SILHOUETTE MACHINE GUEST GIVEAWAY!!!!

Before going to bed

Before I go to bed I am excited to say that I have been accepted into the swap. I have also copied the pattern from the Burda Magazine and now I just have to start it. My daughter picked a very nice teal colored fabric and it has a nice drape. It is a good fabric to start with. I haven't felt well and finally starting to get back into real life and want to get started sewing again.
I can't believe how I felt when I saw the x at Collingswood. Who would have thought? I only saw him in a distance and then I saw his car. I was rendered into a state of total fear. I didn't know what to do, I just stopped in my steps and R was there but I felt trapped with no where to run. I couldn't even let R know why I had stopped suddenly. Finally he just guided me away from the car and where we had seen him and I could become coherent again. It truly was so frightening. That feeling stayed with me for some time. I didn't want to get out of bed at all or do anything. Then being physically ill on top of that I just couldn't move. I know that Sunday if the kids didn't keep coming in and out of the house I would have been done with it. That feeling of such deep pain. The feeling that I could not and should not go on. It was a dark place again. I hate when I am there. I feel like the pills do absolutely nothing for the PTSD.
I am glad that I can finally get up but I over did today, with sugar that is. Ridiculous, I should know better. So the evening did not end well. Tomorrow is a new day and will try to start life again.
Good night all. 

the elusive yellow dress

I am so excited to have finished the yellow dress and it fits nicely. I've worn it already but need to get pics of it. I have enough fabric left over to make another style dress. Just deciding what will work with the amount of fabric I have left. I keep thinking of the Tara dress from Burda but my husbands says that I need something with a more defined waist in order to not look pregnant but I love the comfort and ease of wear of that style dress. I should show the picture of the Tara dress that I made with the Dress by Friday on Grosgrains blog. I used an old long skirt that I hadn't worn in years but I just loved the fabric and didn't want to waste it.
There are a couple of other things I want to try to match patterns with and have them all over our dining room table. So many thoughts race through my head and then it just bogs down and I get stuck. I am still working with the up and down emotions and hate it! It seems so silly that I am home and have the fabric and time to make what ever I would like and I am in essence stuttering. Well, I am going to force myself to do some work. I had started making Silly Bandz holder, a couple of finger pin cushions and just all that fabric that is waiting to become something.
"One step in front of the other and soon I will be walking out the door!"

Swap for All Seasons

I have taken the first step to participate in an online swap. I hope that I am accepted.

trying hard

I have finished the dresses that I was working on and now I am going to finish the elusive yellow dress. I don't know why it is so hard to do. I think that it is because it was the first thing that I wanted to sew. It is cut out, sewn, and now I am working on the hem. I am getting kind of excited because if I can conquer this then I will start to work on some simple dresses and attempt to finish the yellow caftan. I have it all pinned but not sure how to stitch it together. Oh yes and that romper that is pinned on the dress form. I know what I want something to look like but I still do not know how to make it work. I will have to post the pictures of the finished dresses. I am proud of them and should show that I have finished them.

I had the best time when my sister and niece were here. We did so much together. It was great. I felt like I was in a whirl wind and oddly when I didn't sew I had anxiety. So we made monsters. I made one with my niece and one for my g-baby. My niece turned 25 and for her b-day we went to Hoboken and went to Carlos Bakery. My sister ordered a cake and then we went for lunch. I will have to write about the things we did and post some of the pictures. Best of times! I pray that I will be able to make it to Florida to surprise my mom for her birthday.
Good Night

chance to win

http://dollarstorecrafts.com/2010/07/win-a-silhouette-cutter/
check out dollar store crafts for a chance to win a sihouette cutter.

Baby by Stevie Guest Giveaway

Baby by Stevie Guest Giveaway
I am so glad to see something cute for a boy. I have a 14 month old grandson who would look so cute all dressed up.
I will be stopping by to see other little boy things.

Frock by Friday

I downloaded the Tara Pattern and was all excited. I even have the fabric that I am thinking about using. Then the husband said shouldn't you finish the other dresses before you start a new one. Doesn't he understand that it is a Frock by Friday and it is now Wednesday. Have to clean for the b'day and graduation party for my son, who is turning 18. God, I am getting old and he isn't even the youngest. I still am not looking forward to having anyone come to the house. I do not want to have a celebration no matter how important I think they are. It still resonates in my head the things that my mother in law and sister in law have said during Christmas. I have always have had trouble dealing with holidays, thanks to the x. But they just put it into the dirt and buried any desires to celebrate at all. I let my own hubby down when I didn't even rally the crew for a big father's day celebration. He should have just gone to play golf with his boss. He gets so worried when I don't answer the phone. I wish I just stopped wrecking every ones joy.
I applied for two driving jobs today. I feel that I am not worthy to be in a job that takes real thought. I just think about the last days of work at the school. It was not good. My depression was not taking well to the meds that I was taking. I couldn't stop shaking, like really shaking, my whole body. I couldn't stop crying, I was in such a dark place. It is hard to remember what even went on during that time but I do remember when everything went crashing down for me. I let my boss down, I let my family down, my husband down, obviously I let my in laws down. everyone was so kind to let me know how well I was such a screw up. Maybe not my husband, he tried so hard to keep me going the best he could. We were both dealing with so much but I had come to my end. When I was responsible for telling a family that I was not going to let them have the paper work for them to remove their son from our school. My boss just sat in her office cowering in the corner with the curriculum person and told me to take care of it. I made a mistake and I didn't understand if I tell the other schools to let me have the paperwork for a student so they can come within the next day. Why shouldn't I be just as responsible to the system too. I went home and just couldn't stop crying. Then, the thought of fixing everything for good for everyone. I would just take the pills that I had and be done. Make everything better. The only problem is is that I am a coward. I took two pills and called my husband who was getting dinner because I was a basket case. I called him sobbing, he heard the pain in my voice stopped the cart and left the store. I told him what I did when he came home, still crying I didn't think I had that many tears. I told him I just couldn't handle life anymore. He held me so tightly hoping that it would make it all better. I knew that I just couldn't do it any more. He took me to the hospital and they kept me for a couple of days. I didn't feel that anything really helped except that I didn't have to think any more. It was all done for me. Food came and left, no one to take care of, didn't have to answer any questions, I didn't want to go home. I knew that I had problems, always have. I thought that I had taken care of them. I had been in counseling for years. I already had taken meds and I was finally feeling safe and in control. I don't want to go on with this anymore right now. My goal will be to blog at least every night.

I am going to finish the other dresses at least enough so all I have to do is hand stitch. Figure out how to take the dress of the dress form to sew it the way I have it all pinned together. Then quickly cut out the tara dress. In the meantime I still have to bake and ice a cake for my last class on saturday. Friday I will take my grandson to the clinic to get his shots. I will be the one to make him cry. I wonder if it will be different then when I had to take my own kids? I yeah, and finish cleaning and shopping for the party that I really don't want to do. Once again letting my family down.

Oh end the best part is I am having anxiety attacks about wanting to volunteer for our fireworks fundraising and not being able to do it. Also, my sister and niece are coming to visit. I am so excited and yet so filled with anxiety. I am not sure I want any one to see me. I try not to go out by myself and I feel like Dorie from Nemo all the time. My kids call me senial, however you spell it.

I am going to go to bed since it is so late. Good night all.

The Streamer Frock Grosgrain Giveaway

The Streamer Frock Grosgrain Giveaway
Love the color combo and the rick rack. Definitely a cotton candy kind of dress.

Frock by Friday™: The Tara Dress

Frock by Friday™: The Tara Dress

Frock by Friday™: The Tara Dress

Frock by Friday™: The Tara Dress

Grosgrain: The Schwinn Retro Romper Grosgrain Giveaway

Grosgrain: The Schwinn Retro Romper Grosgrain Giveaway

8 weeks of beading wire giveaways - week 1

8 weeks of beading wire giveaways - week 1

Healing

I am just sitting here fixed to my laptop with so many ideas of things I want to start and some that I want to finish. I seem to be my own worst enemy though. Be creative brings out emotions that aren't always easy to deal with so I kind of procrastinate away. I hate that something that had given me such great pleasure in my past is so difficult now. I often wonder if maybe I didn't enjoy what I was doing and I am just kidding myself. I am no so happy about starting all over again with centering my emotions so I can get them under control. I am still not working and when I think about working I panic and freeze up. I don't go to people's parties or to their homes. I end up crying and freaking out. Tonight is a birthday party and it is local, so I thought hey maybe I can do this. As soon as I thought about going and being in a room filled with people I started crying. This is ridiculous. Once I work through these emotions that have taken away most of my abilities to function who will I be. Will I be the same person or will I have become someone else that I am not sure I will know or like?
I did accomplish mostly finishing 3 pair of pants for a stilt walker (I didn't get the snaps on the flys), I created a pattern for a dress I want to make and then made a mock up of it. Of course I made the mock up harder then what I want for my dress. I still have fabrics that are waiting for me to turn into something wearable. Oh and of course what my husband lovingly calls shiny object syndrome, I have made a pull string bag out of an old t-shirt, an apron for a cake decorating class I am taking, and hemming trousers (for my husband). Of course I purchased fabric so I could make a belt to go with the dress that I really want to make and since I couldn't find any buckles locally I am improvising with animal collars. Yes, you heard me correctly I am going to cut the collars into a portion for the buckle and the part with the holes. I can't wait to see what heart ache this will cause. Well I do need to get up and eat something and start working on finishing my dress. I hope to post it on the Burda website.

Roller Coaster

Well a day can get worse... thank goodness for my husband. He got me up and moving. Picked up kids, dropped off a kid, went to the bank and even got the fabric to do the pants. Made the pants thought they looked cool, just need to finish the waist tomorrow. I cut out the second pair that will be tuxedo style stilt walker pants. I like the way the are turning out. Hope my stilt walker does too. Will post pics when I get a chance. Good night and see you tomorrow.

Roller Coaster

It is amazing how quickly plans can change. Just the little ones that start a day. Go from thinking about how I will just take a shower, get dressed and get on with the projects that I need to finish like today but no that isn't how it went and it is only 9:30. It is upsetting and sets the day off to a bad start. I know that sewing will bring me back to a good state of mind but now I have to do other things first. So frustrating!!
I hope the day can only go up from here. I hate to disapoint people who are counting on me. Will be back later in the day.

About Me

Hi everyone I am new to the blogger but I am excited to try this out. I have enjoyed so many of other blogger's blogs that I wanted to try.
I love to sew and craft and due to an unfortunate circumstance I now have the opportunity to try to find my place with myself again. I started getting the thought to sew again when I found Burda Style online and how they had down loadable patterns and patterns from people who created them. I was very intrigued. That started to make me feel more comfortable with going near my stash of fabric again. I have been reading blogs from sewers and upcyclers. They have given me the freedom to try and not worry if what I am making doesn't come out just the way I like it and to just keep on trying. I guess you could say "Happy little accidents".

June 26, 2015
I took a look at my About Me post and I have changed so much since then. It is funny how life changes isn't it. Children move out and others move back in with extras. I am now the Grammy Nanny to my 3 grandsons. I do enjoy it. I haven't been sewing for a while because I went back to work then I started getting into cake decorating and loved it. I decided to teach it through Wilton classes at the local Michaels store. I had such a great time doing it but the nightly classes started taking its toll on me and I ended up stopping. I kept decorating cakes though. Loved every bit of doing the baking but truly loved decorating. I tried learning as much as possible. But then the twin grandson started needing more attention and I couldn't make the time to do the cakes. So I am back to the starting over again and am now playing with paper. It doesn't spoil and if they touch it it is not as heart breaking. They can even sit on my lap while I play. I just couldn't decorate one handed. I have some physical issues which makes my energy not last like it used to, so late night decorating isn't always an option. I am grateful that I have the ability to keep growing and make changes to do what is necessary but still be able to be creative.