Deep sadness

I am here in bed still at 4:12 in the afternoon. I can't move. There are so many things that I want to do. There are so many UFO's that I have looming over my head. I have dreamed of being home to be able to do the things I have enjoyed so much. So what do I do, I sit here paralyzed and do nothing. I have the bracelet waiting to be finished, my daughters dress, and dresses that I have dreamed of making. They are all waiting patiently for me, at least I hope so. I know I am holding myself back. It is just me doing this. There is no one holding me down, there is no one keeping me back from those things which give me joy. Yet when I think of them I feel ill and my stomach knots up. I am back to crying uncontrollably. It was our anniversary and I wanted to make a simple dinner but I panicked at the idea of cooking. I don't want to grocery shop or cook at all. I love to cook and bake and be creative. I shook at the thought of just making something nice for my husband. I ruined our anniversary. He was so sweet and understanding as usual. The sorrow in side is so strong. Please, I just want strength and I keep feeling like I am starting over again. Just when I start to feel normal and functioning something seems to happen and all the old feeling come rushing in and overwhelm me. I wish I could do what the one blag said that to let go of everything is to forgive.