I am a mom of older children and have noticed that the time has come when I do not have the hustle and bustle of little ones constantly around my feet and life now seems to be a bit of a let down. Well life has changed and now I have more hustle and bustle then ever. I am the Grammy Nanny to my 3 grandsons.
I was savoring the time that was mine and now have to share it with everyone all over again. The growing pains are upon me again and trying to define who I am again. The upside is that I get to cuddle little ones again! I still haven't truly learned to hug myself yet nor to be understanding to my own feelings. Did anyone notice how hard it is to be nice and understanding to yourself? That being said I hope that you will be part of my journey into yet another part of my life.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Deep sadness

I am here in bed still at 4:12 in the afternoon. I can't move. There are so many things that I want to do. There are so many UFO's that I have looming over my head. I have dreamed of being home to be able to do the things I have enjoyed so much. So what do I do, I sit here paralyzed and do nothing. I have the bracelet waiting to be finished, my daughters dress, and dresses that I have dreamed of making. They are all waiting patiently for me, at least I hope so. I know I am holding myself back. It is just me doing this. There is no one holding me down, there is no one keeping me back from those things which give me joy. Yet when I think of them I feel ill and my stomach knots up. I am back to crying uncontrollably. It was our anniversary and I wanted to make a simple dinner but I panicked at the idea of cooking. I don't want to grocery shop or cook at all. I love to cook and bake and be creative. I shook at the thought of just making something nice for my husband. I ruined our anniversary. He was so sweet and understanding as usual. The sorrow in side is so strong. Please, I just want strength and I keep feeling like I am starting over again. Just when I start to feel normal and functioning something seems to happen and all the old feeling come rushing in and overwhelm me. I wish I could do what the one blag said that to let go of everything is to forgive.

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