I am a mom of older children and have noticed that the time has come when I do not have the hustle and bustle of little ones constantly around my feet and life now seems to be a bit of a let down. Well life has changed and now I have more hustle and bustle then ever. I am the Grammy Nanny to my 3 grandsons.
I was savoring the time that was mine and now have to share it with everyone all over again. The growing pains are upon me again and trying to define who I am again. The upside is that I get to cuddle little ones again! I still haven't truly learned to hug myself yet nor to be understanding to my own feelings. Did anyone notice how hard it is to be nice and understanding to yourself? That being said I hope that you will be part of my journey into yet another part of my life.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Baby by Stevie Guest Giveaway

Baby by Stevie Guest Giveaway
I am so glad to see something cute for a boy. I have a 14 month old grandson who would look so cute all dressed up.
I will be stopping by to see other little boy things.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Frock by Friday

I downloaded the Tara Pattern and was all excited. I even have the fabric that I am thinking about using. Then the husband said shouldn't you finish the other dresses before you start a new one. Doesn't he understand that it is a Frock by Friday and it is now Wednesday. Have to clean for the b'day and graduation party for my son, who is turning 18. God, I am getting old and he isn't even the youngest. I still am not looking forward to having anyone come to the house. I do not want to have a celebration no matter how important I think they are. It still resonates in my head the things that my mother in law and sister in law have said during Christmas. I have always have had trouble dealing with holidays, thanks to the x. But they just put it into the dirt and buried any desires to celebrate at all. I let my own hubby down when I didn't even rally the crew for a big father's day celebration. He should have just gone to play golf with his boss. He gets so worried when I don't answer the phone. I wish I just stopped wrecking every ones joy.
I applied for two driving jobs today. I feel that I am not worthy to be in a job that takes real thought. I just think about the last days of work at the school. It was not good. My depression was not taking well to the meds that I was taking. I couldn't stop shaking, like really shaking, my whole body. I couldn't stop crying, I was in such a dark place. It is hard to remember what even went on during that time but I do remember when everything went crashing down for me. I let my boss down, I let my family down, my husband down, obviously I let my in laws down. everyone was so kind to let me know how well I was such a screw up. Maybe not my husband, he tried so hard to keep me going the best he could. We were both dealing with so much but I had come to my end. When I was responsible for telling a family that I was not going to let them have the paper work for them to remove their son from our school. My boss just sat in her office cowering in the corner with the curriculum person and told me to take care of it. I made a mistake and I didn't understand if I tell the other schools to let me have the paperwork for a student so they can come within the next day. Why shouldn't I be just as responsible to the system too. I went home and just couldn't stop crying. Then, the thought of fixing everything for good for everyone. I would just take the pills that I had and be done. Make everything better. The only problem is is that I am a coward. I took two pills and called my husband who was getting dinner because I was a basket case. I called him sobbing, he heard the pain in my voice stopped the cart and left the store. I told him what I did when he came home, still crying I didn't think I had that many tears. I told him I just couldn't handle life anymore. He held me so tightly hoping that it would make it all better. I knew that I just couldn't do it any more. He took me to the hospital and they kept me for a couple of days. I didn't feel that anything really helped except that I didn't have to think any more. It was all done for me. Food came and left, no one to take care of, didn't have to answer any questions, I didn't want to go home. I knew that I had problems, always have. I thought that I had taken care of them. I had been in counseling for years. I already had taken meds and I was finally feeling safe and in control. I don't want to go on with this anymore right now. My goal will be to blog at least every night.

I am going to finish the other dresses at least enough so all I have to do is hand stitch. Figure out how to take the dress of the dress form to sew it the way I have it all pinned together. Then quickly cut out the tara dress. In the meantime I still have to bake and ice a cake for my last class on saturday. Friday I will take my grandson to the clinic to get his shots. I will be the one to make him cry. I wonder if it will be different then when I had to take my own kids? I yeah, and finish cleaning and shopping for the party that I really don't want to do. Once again letting my family down.

Oh end the best part is I am having anxiety attacks about wanting to volunteer for our fireworks fundraising and not being able to do it. Also, my sister and niece are coming to visit. I am so excited and yet so filled with anxiety. I am not sure I want any one to see me. I try not to go out by myself and I feel like Dorie from Nemo all the time. My kids call me senial, however you spell it.

I am going to go to bed since it is so late. Good night all.

The Streamer Frock Grosgrain Giveaway

The Streamer Frock Grosgrain Giveaway
Love the color combo and the rick rack. Definitely a cotton candy kind of dress.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

8 weeks of beading wire giveaways - week 1

8 weeks of beading wire giveaways - week 1


I am just sitting here fixed to my laptop with so many ideas of things I want to start and some that I want to finish. I seem to be my own worst enemy though. Be creative brings out emotions that aren't always easy to deal with so I kind of procrastinate away. I hate that something that had given me such great pleasure in my past is so difficult now. I often wonder if maybe I didn't enjoy what I was doing and I am just kidding myself. I am no so happy about starting all over again with centering my emotions so I can get them under control. I am still not working and when I think about working I panic and freeze up. I don't go to people's parties or to their homes. I end up crying and freaking out. Tonight is a birthday party and it is local, so I thought hey maybe I can do this. As soon as I thought about going and being in a room filled with people I started crying. This is ridiculous. Once I work through these emotions that have taken away most of my abilities to function who will I be. Will I be the same person or will I have become someone else that I am not sure I will know or like?
I did accomplish mostly finishing 3 pair of pants for a stilt walker (I didn't get the snaps on the flys), I created a pattern for a dress I want to make and then made a mock up of it. Of course I made the mock up harder then what I want for my dress. I still have fabrics that are waiting for me to turn into something wearable. Oh and of course what my husband lovingly calls shiny object syndrome, I have made a pull string bag out of an old t-shirt, an apron for a cake decorating class I am taking, and hemming trousers (for my husband). Of course I purchased fabric so I could make a belt to go with the dress that I really want to make and since I couldn't find any buckles locally I am improvising with animal collars. Yes, you heard me correctly I am going to cut the collars into a portion for the buckle and the part with the holes. I can't wait to see what heart ache this will cause. Well I do need to get up and eat something and start working on finishing my dress. I hope to post it on the Burda website.