I am a mom of older children and have noticed that the time has come when I do not have the hustle and bustle of little ones constantly around my feet and life now seems to be a bit of a let down. Well life has changed and now I have more hustle and bustle then ever. I am the Grammy Nanny to my 3 grandsons.
I was savoring the time that was mine and now have to share it with everyone all over again. The growing pains are upon me again and trying to define who I am again. The upside is that I get to cuddle little ones again! I still haven't truly learned to hug myself yet nor to be understanding to my own feelings. Did anyone notice how hard it is to be nice and understanding to yourself? That being said I hope that you will be part of my journey into yet another part of my life.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Frock by Friday

I downloaded the Tara Pattern and was all excited. I even have the fabric that I am thinking about using. Then the husband said shouldn't you finish the other dresses before you start a new one. Doesn't he understand that it is a Frock by Friday and it is now Wednesday. Have to clean for the b'day and graduation party for my son, who is turning 18. God, I am getting old and he isn't even the youngest. I still am not looking forward to having anyone come to the house. I do not want to have a celebration no matter how important I think they are. It still resonates in my head the things that my mother in law and sister in law have said during Christmas. I have always have had trouble dealing with holidays, thanks to the x. But they just put it into the dirt and buried any desires to celebrate at all. I let my own hubby down when I didn't even rally the crew for a big father's day celebration. He should have just gone to play golf with his boss. He gets so worried when I don't answer the phone. I wish I just stopped wrecking every ones joy.
I applied for two driving jobs today. I feel that I am not worthy to be in a job that takes real thought. I just think about the last days of work at the school. It was not good. My depression was not taking well to the meds that I was taking. I couldn't stop shaking, like really shaking, my whole body. I couldn't stop crying, I was in such a dark place. It is hard to remember what even went on during that time but I do remember when everything went crashing down for me. I let my boss down, I let my family down, my husband down, obviously I let my in laws down. everyone was so kind to let me know how well I was such a screw up. Maybe not my husband, he tried so hard to keep me going the best he could. We were both dealing with so much but I had come to my end. When I was responsible for telling a family that I was not going to let them have the paper work for them to remove their son from our school. My boss just sat in her office cowering in the corner with the curriculum person and told me to take care of it. I made a mistake and I didn't understand if I tell the other schools to let me have the paperwork for a student so they can come within the next day. Why shouldn't I be just as responsible to the system too. I went home and just couldn't stop crying. Then, the thought of fixing everything for good for everyone. I would just take the pills that I had and be done. Make everything better. The only problem is is that I am a coward. I took two pills and called my husband who was getting dinner because I was a basket case. I called him sobbing, he heard the pain in my voice stopped the cart and left the store. I told him what I did when he came home, still crying I didn't think I had that many tears. I told him I just couldn't handle life anymore. He held me so tightly hoping that it would make it all better. I knew that I just couldn't do it any more. He took me to the hospital and they kept me for a couple of days. I didn't feel that anything really helped except that I didn't have to think any more. It was all done for me. Food came and left, no one to take care of, didn't have to answer any questions, I didn't want to go home. I knew that I had problems, always have. I thought that I had taken care of them. I had been in counseling for years. I already had taken meds and I was finally feeling safe and in control. I don't want to go on with this anymore right now. My goal will be to blog at least every night.

I am going to finish the other dresses at least enough so all I have to do is hand stitch. Figure out how to take the dress of the dress form to sew it the way I have it all pinned together. Then quickly cut out the tara dress. In the meantime I still have to bake and ice a cake for my last class on saturday. Friday I will take my grandson to the clinic to get his shots. I will be the one to make him cry. I wonder if it will be different then when I had to take my own kids? I yeah, and finish cleaning and shopping for the party that I really don't want to do. Once again letting my family down.

Oh end the best part is I am having anxiety attacks about wanting to volunteer for our fireworks fundraising and not being able to do it. Also, my sister and niece are coming to visit. I am so excited and yet so filled with anxiety. I am not sure I want any one to see me. I try not to go out by myself and I feel like Dorie from Nemo all the time. My kids call me senial, however you spell it.

I am going to go to bed since it is so late. Good night all.

1 comment:

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