I am a mom of older children and have noticed that the time has come when I do not have the hustle and bustle of little ones constantly around my feet and life now seems to be a bit of a let down. Well life has changed and now I have more hustle and bustle then ever. I am the Grammy Nanny to my 3 grandsons.
I was savoring the time that was mine and now have to share it with everyone all over again. The growing pains are upon me again and trying to define who I am again. The upside is that I get to cuddle little ones again! I still haven't truly learned to hug myself yet nor to be understanding to my own feelings. Did anyone notice how hard it is to be nice and understanding to yourself? That being said I hope that you will be part of my journey into yet another part of my life.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Deep sadness getting better

Well, the depression is getting better again. I hate roller coasters so having a roller coaster for emotions really suck. I finally got started cutting my daughter's dress but could not stay focused to save my life. I am getting excited though to see the dress started. I definitely cut the dress too small so I will have to see what happens. The challenge will be how to put it together with skinny seams and still have it stay together. I am going to work on it tomorrow. This is the year of disappointments though. I lost my mind in January and by February it was gone. More pills and then I start to feel better and my family visits and I get worn out and then have to rest from that. Then my Mom's 80th b'day I wanted to go and visit her and of course with me out of work that was completely blown. Now my sister is in the hospital and not sure when she will get out. Worse yet every time I go out and am with people I get so tired. I went for some training for the job I hope I will get and then slept for 2 hours. My Z is sick and he is far away and we have no insurance so we can't even go to a specialist to make sure he gets the best care. It took us over a week to get my pills and we still have to get Z's stuff and get it to him. About the pills I now have to get them back into my system. This sucks beyond sucks. I am tired and so unfocused. E is doing well, I just hope that I am not kidding myself and he is hiding what he is really doing from me and I am so tired that I wouldn't be able to notice.

I still have so many pictures I would like to take of the clothes that I have finished just so I can see that I have accomplished some things. I really am pleased with the infamous yellow dress. I love the denim dress that is kind of done. I beaded it and appliqued it and the thread that I used to put the applique on with was too heavy and it cut my leg. The dress form still has the beginnings of the romper I was trying to make but now the weather is getting so chilly it might not get finished. Oh and my daughter brought over about a dozen dresses for me to alter for her.

I got the match boxes for the swap now I just have to design what I want in them. I was hoping to create some kind of mouse design. You know, not a creature was stirring not even a mouse. I think that would be fun. I also need to get my act together to do the baby shower gift. I am hoping to make one of those fluffy ruffle dresses and a head band with a flower on it.

Well, I am going to focus on the end of Project Runway.  Night.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Deep sadness

I am here in bed still at 4:12 in the afternoon. I can't move. There are so many things that I want to do. There are so many UFO's that I have looming over my head. I have dreamed of being home to be able to do the things I have enjoyed so much. So what do I do, I sit here paralyzed and do nothing. I have the bracelet waiting to be finished, my daughters dress, and dresses that I have dreamed of making. They are all waiting patiently for me, at least I hope so. I know I am holding myself back. It is just me doing this. There is no one holding me down, there is no one keeping me back from those things which give me joy. Yet when I think of them I feel ill and my stomach knots up. I am back to crying uncontrollably. It was our anniversary and I wanted to make a simple dinner but I panicked at the idea of cooking. I don't want to grocery shop or cook at all. I love to cook and bake and be creative. I shook at the thought of just making something nice for my husband. I ruined our anniversary. He was so sweet and understanding as usual. The sorrow in side is so strong. Please, I just want strength and I keep feeling like I am starting over again. Just when I start to feel normal and functioning something seems to happen and all the old feeling come rushing in and overwhelm me. I wish I could do what the one blag said that to let go of everything is to forgive.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Exciting times

I received my email about the a swap for all seasons and saw the pics of some of the matchboxes and what was inside. Amazing. I hope I can maintain the quality of work. I am thinking of mice for the swap. Little gray mice, one for each day. They will have to be tiny and I have to see what is in my stash as money has become extremely tight.

Good news is that the job for driving a bus is coming closer to fruition. Excited and scared at the same time. What if I forget something or someplace. I am just so nervous. Today was a refresher of the pre-trip walk around, which is extremely important. The next time we meet I might be able to get some refresher time behind the wheel.

Oh and to continue on the teenager thing, I did have a mild win. I stood my ground about going to the place where he hangs out to "work on his essay, for some more inspiration". Yeah right. So he got it but he says that the whole experience of staying out late and ignoring the frantic phone calls and texts was so worth it. That worries me because there will undoubtedly be many more of the times in the future. Will he be able to make good choices, you know what I want him to choose. Well, that is it for now considering that I am using the wi fi at the Starbucks so I can weed through the 500 emails that have now accumulated. The reason for not having internet is a whole other time to talk about.
Good night all


Teenagers are so interesting. I am on my last one and it is like I never had any before him. He is number 6 after all and it should be a piece of cake by now right? Wrong! Everyone of them is different and different for different reasons. A lot of differences huh? I believe that all teenagers are just like 2-3 year olds and are doing the exact same thing they did then. Test the boundaries as far as it will take them with one exception, I could always pick up a 2-3 year old and put him where I want him. When they are a bit bigger it is a lot more difficult, you know the whole size proportion thing, he is much bigger then I am. Well the big 2 year old is whining that he is done and needs to move on. I thought I had ADD, I guess that is where he gets it from. Hopefully will be able to post again later. BTW, I finished the pink eyelet shirt with a big satin ribbon and successfully wore it yesterday. I am pleased the way it came out. I will have to learn to use the timer on my camera so I can at least post pictures. Bye for now.